May 2017


Another relatively good month for Anne. While her anxiety has not diminished she remains content and apparently happy for which I am so grateful.

Her physical fitness never fails to surprise me - in the space of 4 days she walked around 30 miles. Last Saturday we walked 10 miles with our local Ramblers Group, on the Monday while staying with friends in Edinburgh, we walked 9 miles through the city, and on the Tuesday we climbed Allermuir Hill in the Pentlands clocking up another 9 miles. This latter adventure involved some steep climbing and I was more anxious for Anne than she was herself.

I find the stark contrast between body and mental health both puzzling and disturbing.

I mentioned in a previous blog that it was during 2015 that I realised that our marriage relationship had changed into a carer and patient relationship. There are no more moments of intimacy which I truly miss - a kiss, a cuddle, or a touch already seem distant memories.

However, over the last month or so I have noticed two things that have made me realise that there is still a glimmer of affection towards me. The first is that occasionally when we are out walking Anne will put her hand in mine at her initiation. The intriguing significance of this is that in previous years I didn't really like my hand being held while out walking - I like to let my arms swing - so when Anne would take my hand I would let it go after a few moments. Now, you can guess what my reaction is - hold onto Anne's hand for as long as she wants - such is my desire for these precious intimate moments.

The second thing is that Anne has always enjoyed her food. Indeed, she was an outstanding cook who passed on her culinary skills to our three boys. However, I have noticed that when there are many different things on her plate, e.g., a salad, she struggles to assimilate what is there and merely "plays" with her food. So, about a month ago I wondered how she would react if I fed her when it was clear she couldn't cope with the variety of food in front of her. To my joy, Anne reacted very positively and enthusiastically ate what I gave her. While this has not reached a permanent state I do find feeding her treasured moments of intimacy - the closeness of our faces, the smile of satisfaction on her face are very special to me. The more common norms of our intimacy have been replaced by what I would call a carer's intimacy.

This reminds me of observing Crossbills in our garden the other week. I had never seen these birds before and I got my binoculars out to see the male feeding the female. Intimate moments indeed.

I suspect feeding Anne will become the norm, and perhaps the intimacy I feel at present will be diminished but I have learnt to take one day at a time, to enjoy the good days and lean on my Christian faith in the bad ones.

Until next month.

aye
Gordon